. . . .

today is the 11th day of June, year 2012.
exactly 3 months to the dreaded exam.... M.C.A.T.

and after making the tough decision to survive on air and water for
these next 3 months.... i made the craziest decision yet to move all my
books, cut off all contacts and move to a foreign land.. in the positive
hope of seriously and completely be engulfed and consumed by
the almighty MCAT. have i done that yet?


well. not exactly.
i survived two nights in a guesthouse in Siem Reap..
not exactly as good as i thot it wld have been, given the reviews on TA.
but it was still survivable for a few nights.
the people were good and environment was alright but probably not
the ideal place im looking for ..
i asked for a single bed room but was given a twin bed room..
which was a turn off since i already informed what i wanted and was
told it was available.. but nevertheless, the configuration turned out fine.
the wireless didnt work at all in my room.. another minus..
i expected to catch the afternoon bus to Battambang but apparently
they dun do it on wkdays.. so i had to stay another day in the GH..


so i went exploring the streets on a hot sunny morning looking for
another alt which offered cheaper monthly rent.. only managed to
find one which escaped my troll on the internet..
which made me struggled between staying in SR or mk the move to
BTB since i knew i shd REALLY settle down and start studying NOW.


finally i decided i shd just move to BTB. check out the place and if i
find something suitable, i will stay. if not, i will take the next bus back
and stay in SR for good for the rest of my stay here..


what made me wavered in my move to BTB was i wasnt sure if
the hospital really wanted me there coz i wasnt able to volunteer
all my time with them.. my priority had to be my studies first..
but they got warmer with me as we corresponded and i think i
shd still mk the trip there and see how things go..

or maybe.... i just miss home.. already.


when i was solo, i could run everywhere without feeling much baggage.
but now i dun and i cant exactly feel that way. maybe my heart is more
settled down, my parents r getting old and i now have fluffy.
maybe that's why.. i dunno.


i wanna succeed. i wanna go home fulfilled. i wanna go back proud..
that i accomplished what ive set out to do and complete.
ive invested a HUGE deal into this whole episode..
sacrificed tons of time..
sacrificed tons of money..
put in a lot of energy and commitment which i wld have spent playing
sports or doing a lot of slacker activities that i enjoy..

oh well. if all do not work out this final time.. at the very least, i tried
my best (i hope i can truly say that at the end of this trip)....
it was just not my portion in life.


but for now.. i need to cut the crap. and walk the talk.
i need to decide to walk the walk alone.
nobody can walk it for me.
i will have to do it on my own.


i hope i can.


the spirit is willing.
but the flesh is VERY weak.



i will be damn proud of myself if i pull this one off.

. . . .