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it's 01:19am now.
settled down at home at abt 9pm.. was feeling happy & satisfied til i decided to email love.
if i didnt send tat email, maybe things wldnt have spiraled downhill. or perhaps, the cracks
were already there. if they r already there, then a slight touch or vibration wld have shattered
everything to pieces anyway. it wld be such a torture to walk on tipped toes 24/7, trying not
to disturb the fragile state of things isn't it?


i asked myself what exactly went wrong. why things have become the way they are now.
perhaps, i was not a good enuff lover. perhaps, i was not a good enuff security. perhaps....
i was really looking forward to the Phuket trip. totally a million 1000000% looking forward
to it. yet now.. i shd go enjoy the king size bed on my own huh.

so looking forward to our future together. yet i cannot comprehend why love has to do things
the way she did this entire period. it sounds cliche but if u want ur man to succeed in the things
he does, then be the woman that supports him fully behind. yet, by being 'neutral' and cold
towards him, in what way does that help at all? Such behavior n attitudes only serve to
distract him n affect his ability to succeed.


i have lost count of the no. of days i spent staring into space, clicking tabs aft tabs, thinking
abt us and totally ignoring my study for the day. ive yet to touch a single page for today..

if being neutral really helps, then i wld have been so motivated that i finished all now.
yet, im delayed a day after a day. for fish! seriously. i just cannot comprehend.


As i reflect n allow mental images to run thru of our time together, i  know i dun want to do
w/o her. sure, there r always other more beautiful flowers n trees out there even if u give
up this one.. but when u come to a pt u realize she was willing to work things out in d past
when u wanted to walk away, when she allowed herself to entertain ur temper, when she
was willing to travel on holidays w ur family.. u know she's worth the keep. of coz, at
the back of ur mind, the little floating devil tells u that u can find someone else who fulfils
all these that she has done n that future tree will be tall, slim, slender, sporty w long hair..
fits all d profile of the type u always see as ideal. hahaa. but truth is, u know this can be real.


yet i cannot comprehend why love seems so nonchalant towards my cries. hello, i am
drowning in all these crap we have in our midst and i need her to help clean things up.
yet, all i got was the air as cold as in the Antarctica. it has literally frozen my heart to death.
or perhaps, it has already done so. i can no longer hold on to someone who has the patience
to wait for another 40 days to resolve my issues. seriously. if u know very well that i am
affected, do u think i am in the right mind to focus 100% on what is the most impt task ive
ahead of me now? wld u still be so calm n nonchalant to tell me to focus on what i need
to do now n not talk abt us? i simply cannot comprehend. cannot comprehend how not impt
i am to love to not deal with me now n ask me to wait for another FORTY days?

i totally cannot comprehend. i totally cannot understand. i totally am broken.

my goal is at stake now. yet u r telling me to hold on, dun bother abt it now. suck it up n deal
with it later now. if i have a serious, life threatening open wound, it's like the nurse telling me:
suck it up. the doctor dun want to deal with you until u are checked in n confirmed that u
have d money to pay up. wait in line for ur turn. maybe another 2hrs now. meanwhile, i can
see that u r bleeding profusing but too bad. just suck it up n wait out.

c'mon. d bloody doctor knows i have a serious wound n i can bleed to death anytime. yet, he
has the patience to ask me to wait out. like HELLO. isnt it just simple common sense to
attend to the injured and stem the bleeding.. and decide on the next course of action.
if i ever meant even 50% to love, i wldnt be rendered 2nd class to wait out 40 days to have
my wounds checked out. so, sadly, apparently, i'm probably not even 10% worth for her
to deal with my issues NOW while she knows very well how much this exam means to me.




continue way below....



















i dunno. what more can i say. i know talking over apps is not the most ideal of situations.
but if ur kid is pushing to come out of you, u simply have to stop by the roadside n let him
come out! becoz ur kid coming out alive means much more to u than holding him inside
til u are pushed into a proper OT. sometimes, it's doing what needs to be done when it is
obviously urgent and deemed necessary to do so, even if situations n conditions may not
be the most ideal. if you dont, u risk losing it all.


i didnt wanna let go but time aft time, i have felt i wasnt all that impt to love from the
decisions she made towards me. incident aft incident, i wasn't no. 1 in her life, apart from
her family. even in this situation, i made known my wounds countless times, directly n
outright to her. yet she asks me to wait out. what more can i say.


i guess there's nothing more i can say right? i cant waste more time. i need to get back
to sticking to the schedule and not get it crash at this crucial tail end.
i hate to end. bcoz i didnt start this one to end. i saw it into the future n to the end.

but there's nothing more i can do now. i've tried my best the past few days to keep whatever
is remaining alive and burning. but i guess i cant keep the sparks alive when love wanted
to play 'neutral' and kill what's left. i dun want to drag things on n b4 i know it, i screwed
up the last 30 days of the schedule n miss the train again. as much as it hurts, chop it at
the roots and get back to the books. nurse the hurt aft 40 days. wat an irony. love asked me
to wait 40 days.. and now im telling myself to wait 40 days to nurse the hurt.


so screw it. it shd have been so when i said it wld be the last entry on 4417.
i loved and i still love. but it's time to let go of love to meet another who is not childish n
immature. seriously, these 2 words r an eyesore to me now after she said that of me. sucks.
go find a tall, dark, handsome dude who is stable, mature n wise beyond his age. whatever.


yea, im still sore n broken over it. so much injustice i feel. so much i cannot comprehend.
yet so much is beyond my control. let's just say i never thought i wld meet someone who
cant be bothered about me as much as i am bothered about her.. even with our r/s at stake,
even with our r/s on the verge of ending.. love remained 'neutral'. WOW. im amazed.


my lingering question: WHY?


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